3/31/09

Fugue #87


Ten minutes into an hour-long midterm, and her bluebook is empty. She tries to scribble some notes, an outline, inside the front cover, but she’s drawing a total blank.

Ana hates Flaubert. But he does describe light beautifully, detailing its effects at different times, on different people and places. Like, "And the light streamed through the late afternoon window, flickering motes of dust." She couldn’t remember, was it Emma who sat in that light, thinking? Good line, anyway.

But the question didn’t ask about Flaubert’s approach to light and what that all meant, symbolically. (How light can change moods or suggest emotions. How light can alter perceptions and illuminate memories. Direct and buoyant, indirect and subdued. Stippled dappled obstructed clear airy. Open shade and closed shade.) It asked about Emma’s fantasies - how they motivate her, whether they’re realistic. And the juxtaposition of her internal fancy/folly with the external style, or realism, of the novel. Ana’s got nothing. She writes for a few pages, just to get something down, and walks her bluebook to the front of the room.

On the bottom of the last page, where no one will see it (why look at the last page if the previous ones are blank), in block letters: Fuck.

Fugue #86


When Ana cries, she can't stop.

The tears come and keep coming - flowing not from her eyes, but from somewhere you can't see. Somewhere deeper, a font of sadness in her middle.

If you asked her why, she might say (as soon as her sobs had quieted to halting breaths):

I don't know why I'm crying. I don't know why. I feel empty, hollow, hollowed out - like there's a pit in my gut where I'm missing something. Something. An absence, a lack.

A lack of what?

I don't know. I just feel open inside, where I shouldn't, where something should be.

That fortune, again?

Yeah, maybe. I just didn't imagine that I would feel so...disconnected from who I was and disappointed in who I have become. At this age. Not that I’m a bad person, I’m not. I just expected more.

Who doesn’t?

Fugue #85


Sealed with a kiss. At least that’s what the envelope said. Pale blue like a cartoon tear, its corners softened and round with age. The front had faded - left in a sunny window, maybe - but you could see the letter "G" in ballpoint, legible not neat. And on the back, in the same handwriting, "SWAK."

- He had this in pocket. I figured it was from you.
- Yeah, it was. It is. Did you read it?
- No.
- You can, Paul. I don’t mind.
- No thanks. I think Gene might, and anyway I don’t want to. This note was something between you and him. It should stay that way.

On the porch swing next to Paul, rocking back and forth in silence, Emily tries to imagine which note Gene would have carried with him. She doesn’t remember this note, or any of them. There were probably hundreds, and all the details of her teenage life that seemed so important to share with him then have blurred to a flat gray.

The stationery was a Christmas present from her weird aunt, who advised her to "leave a record of her life in love." So, when she met Gene, she decided to write him a note every night, after her homework was done. She would sit cross-legged on her bed, pull a yearbook across her lap, open the drawer in her bedside table, and pull out a sheet of paper and an envelope.

- Can I see it?
- Ok. I mean, if you’re ok to see it.

Fugue #84


The scream at the beginning of the Replacements’ "Bastards of Young" should be more convincing. With a title like that, it should give you goosebumps. It should make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It should be a call to arms, a rallying cry, a blistering primal roar at the elders who abandoned us. More Roger Daltrey, less...well, less Westerburg.

And in that way, it's perfect. A croak, a swallowed cry. Not the voice of a voiceless generation, raging against machines (that would come later), but the voice of a generation that can barely be bothered to use its voice. What difference does it make? None, that's what, and I don't begin to understand it.

But it's not "it" that young Paul can't understand. That's a different song, something more populist. Instead, it's, "I don't begin to understand...them." He he mumbles the last word, and "them" is almost more "yeah." I don't begin to understand. Why not end there? The one's we'll die to please, are they the referents? I don't understand them, either.

Then again, bastards don’t visit graves much. But they do seek approval from those who don’t want or deserve their love.

Fugue #83


Western Iowa. Predawn fall chill invading the car, silence except for the wheels' metronome over the highway's tar strips. Marbell is wide-awake and driving. Zed is sleepy-eyed, watching the first light melt over the horizon and pour slowly across the farms and farmhouses littering these hills.

A moment: It lasts maybe ten minutes. They’re quiet except for their breathing, which begins to fog the windshield. A yawning smile from Zed:
- Good morning. Where are we?
- Just past Des Moines.
- Let’s stop for coffee soon. Next exit?
- 20 minutes or so.
- Ok.

Quiet again. Mortality, sunrise: This is the day we unconsciously hoped would come yesterday, as daylight’s foreground retreated into night’s dark background. And as that dark recedes from this light, background becoming foreground again, the entire scene is bathed in a hopeful rose-orange glow.

We called it tomorrow then, and now it’s today.

Fugue #82


Gene looks at Emily.

He’s on the floor, and she’s on the floor, of her bedroom. They’re studying, and listening to Echo and the Bunnymen.

- You done with English?
- Yeah, I read that in study hall.
- What did you think of that Robert Frost stuff? Did that make sense to you?

It’s uncharacteristic that he would ask her about school.

- Kinda
- I don’t get it.
- What part?
- All of it.
- Well...I think the point is at the end. He talks about the difference between scholars (or scientists) and artists. Both seek knowledge, but scientists get it by applying logic to what they see. The scientific method, remember that? Artists - he’s talking about poets, specifically - get knowledge by stumbling upon it. The don’t use the scientific method - they don’t stick to rules, but instead they let stuff stick to them.
- Huh. But what about this: "The figure is the same for love." He says that twice, so it must be important. What figure? The figure a poem makes? I don’t get it. And is that an accurate description of love?

Maybe, she thinks. Delight for sure, and I’ll know about wisdom if he breaks my heart.

Fugue #81


Ana and Paul stroll through Indian art. The Hindu painting - women twisting and writhing and riding on each other, reaching higher and higher - is more authoritative than suggestive. They talk about nothing - what they’re seeing, what they like and dislike seeing, what they did at work, what the weekend holds - becoming more than friends without saying so.

They pass through a door and move into a smaller space, half a continent away. To Japan. Edo Period prints. A docent is talking to a group of fidgety high schoolers:

"A circle has 360 degrees. Walk around an object - there you go, 360. Now if you were going to depict that object, draw it or paint it, or even take a picture of it, how would you do it? Press the button? Ha, ok, yeah. I mean, where would you place yourself in relation to the object? Where would you stand? Would you find the most picturesque spot? That would probably work, right? You'd be faithful to the object in the sense that you'd be showing it in the way most people are accustomed to seeing it.

But what about people accustomed to seeing it from the other side? And when the object is something really big - like a mountain, there isn't just the other side, there are many other sides. The problem becomes how many people? How many views?

Katsushika Hokusai decided on 36. One for every ten degrees, even though he didn't walk the degrees off using a protractor. Here are a few of them. Look at the differences in perspective - and distances. In some, Fujisan is in the foreground, the central charater, so to speak. In others, it’s background, a more liminal character.

Now we'll go upstairs and see how Claude Monet approached the same perceptional problem."

Fugue #80


She sits on her bed, her homework - books, notebooks piled to her left, her bedside table to her right. She reaches into it, into the drawer and pulls out a sheet of blue stationery and a matching envelope. She drags a yearbook out from under her bed to write on, clicks her pen once, stares across her room at the stereo’s lights. She writes:

Hey!!!

It’s almost midnight, and here I am again - without you, but with you, too. Here on his page.

I can’t believe you asked me about English. You never do that. My answer was pretty laim, but I thought about it after you left, and here’s what I really think.

The essay is called "The figure a poem makes." And he says twice that the figure is the same for love. So...poem: poet::love:lover. Poets create poems like lovers create love. And everything flows from there.

He talks a lot at first about sound and then wildness. I think (could be wrong here), sound means meter or rhythm or whatever, and wildness means subject. They work together. I really like what he says about sound. I’m extrapolating here: The sound of a poem is like the sound of a voice - unique, recognizable, comforting (if it’s someone you love). And the figure a poem makes is the same for love. A momentary stay against confusion, which finds its own name as it goes.

I have so much to tell you, Gene. I don’t know if you know that, or if you know how I feel. I think you do, and then I don’t. It’s all good, and I’ll tell you sometime soon.

Good night, sweet dreams - XOXO,

Em

Fugue #79


Marbell’s weird winter beard would have fit in here better several generations ago, but it’s still not that strange. The bar is called Sportsman’s, and there are deer heads and antlers on the walls to provide a visual aid for new patrons wondering what sport the men prefer. He and Zed have been here for a few hours already. They’re playing pool with some guys from the packing plant, who finished their dayturn shifts at 3.

- So what did you say you do again, Neil?
- I teach English.
- Like high school?
- No, college, actually. At Columbia University in New York.
- New York. That’s big time.
- Ha, I don’t know about big time. It’s a big city, sure.
- I bet anybody who teaches college in New York City knows what they’re talking about.
- That’s not really true.

Marbell motions to the waitress and orders another round of beers. His new friend Andy continues:
- So, English like grammar? Composition?
- No, more like literature.
- What kind?
- Mostly stuff written since World War II.
- Steven King?

Hahaha. Zed has the balls racked. His face is flushed, and his hair is rumpled. The night is still young.

Fugue #78


The decision to go feels like you’re almost there.

Paul didn’t take much convincing. Well, any convincing. That night he was into the wine, ha, and into long speeches about time and place and context - mix tapes, even. Ana saw her chance and jumped.

She was excited, and anxious: To be on the road with him, to visit schools, to see her mom and step-dad in L.A. And hopefully lower the stress by bringing this new boy.

(On the telephone with her mother last night:
- So who is this new boy?
- Somebody who lives in my neighborhood.
- What’s his name?
- Paul.
- Paul? Hmmm...
- What? What’s wrong with that name, Mom?
- Nothing. Where’s he from, originally?
- I don’t know.
- You don’t know?!)

They had worked out the ground rules for the radio last night. Driver’s choice - and the driver changes every two hours. One passenger veto every six hours, and they planned to do twelve hours every day. Crossing the Brooklyn Bridge, Ana wondered if they could they get all the way to Chicago today.

Fugue #77


"When people got to the first coast - when the boats landed at Jamestown or Plymouth Rock - they carved out places for themselves and pushed the Native Americans back. From there, there was only West, all the land was in front of them. And they pushed farther, hearing Manifest Destiny’s monotone instruction: ‘If you take it, it’s yours, now go.’

When they got to the second coast, 200 some years and ten generations later, there was only East. All the land was behind them. Some people stopped along the way. We did, obviously. We quit halfway - not because it was too hard to keep going, but because we wanted to stay.

We don’t have an ocean in front of us or behind. We don’t have a sunrise from across the water to announce the new day, or a sunset from across the water to remind us to put today to rest. We have land, and more land. An ocean of land, and rowcrops to catch the sun like waves."

Paul smiles at his grandfather, "Yeah, it does seem like an ocean sometimes."

"And these little towns are like islands." His grandfather smiles back. He fought in the South Pacific during the War.

Fugue #76


The young Neil Marbell: documentary photographer.

Writer first, then documentary photographer. Ok, student first, then writer. Then documentary photographer.

Document everything. Keep a journal, take pictures. Let them know. Let them know you were here.

"This is where we are. This is what we see. And this (a broad wide-armed gesture across and around his studio) is what we think and do about it."

He’s talking to a group of like-minded friends, and they’re trying to decide whether to form a collective (fuck, yeah!), and what to call it. Someone suggests "Project Counter Point."

(Deena smiles. She knows Neil is full of himself - his horn-rimmed glasses, his tight white t-shirt, his rumpled hair, his permanently pained look of exploration and expression. But he’s also smart, and he clearly adores her. And there isn’t a mean bone in his body. Plenty of pompous ones, but none that would ever hurt her, none that would ever betray her trust.)

And a motto. Neil opens his notebook:

Add light, make a shadow.
More light, more shadow.
Move the light, move the shadow.

Fugue #75


Ana holds the fortune in her left hand, traces its outline with her right index finger, places it on the table, blinks, and reaches for her wallet. Behind her driver’s license is another fortune.

Yep. It’s the same. The same fortune she got in high school - on that Christmas trip into the city to see Cats. They ate Chinese before the show. She had Mongolian Beef and an eggroll. Her mom had something with shrimp. And her dad had hot and sour soup and something that looked gross and smelled worse. She had been practicing with chopsticks for weeks and didn’t disappoint herself when her food arrived. Her parents complimented her, but didn’t speak very much to each other. The tea was too hot, and the cookie was too bland.

"There is prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you."

It seemed so perfect. It summed up what she felt, how she saw the world and her place in it. Where she would go.

She realizes that she’s still waiting. Outside her apartment, she sees Christmas lights hung from condo balconies and snagged in trees, in bushes, along the sidewalk. She thinks about home, singular, this home - and then about all her homes. They got divorced her freshman year in college. Her mom remarried and moved around a lot, ending up in L.A. Her dad stayed in New York.

Fugue #74


"It calls for a lot of patience," Ana explains to the waitress, who’s half-listening to the rhetorical answer to her rhetorical question, "How do you put up with him?" She ignores Ana.

"I’m teasing," the waitress pats Paul’s shoulder and winks, "you’re cute."

Ana, half-jealous, raised eyebrows:
- Wow, I never noticed. You are cute!
- C’mon now.
He blushes, dips a fry in ketchup, bites it.
- I’m not really that hard to put up with, am I?
- No. You’re ok.
She smiles, drinks some coffee, holds her cup between her cold hands, elbows on the table, eyes him over its lip, puts it down to steal a fry.
- What were we talking about before?
- How bad that coffee tastes?
- No, before that.
- Oh, L.A.

She looks out the window. Addresses.

- I don’t know my way around there. I haven’t visited my mom much since she moved. I’ve only been to this house once, actually.
- Nice? Big?
- Yeah, both, I guess. It doesn’t feel like home.

Fugue #73


Meeting and separating. Drifting apart, coming together, again. To complement and detract, distract. Unravel, ravel, weave and lock together into a threnodic pulse. Sometimes I can see them even, farther apart, then suddenly closer.

Power lines with electron messages - strung sagging and pinned to poles, still. Between them, like beads on necklace, red balls to warn the prop planes. The higher wire is taughter, straighter than the bottom wire, which droops down and rises up to the next pole, holding your eye with its movement.

After ten miles, the wires go up and keep going, and there the hills begin. Rising gently from the flat fields on either side of the road - the road cuts through them - steeper now, they cast a shadow that you drive through. The hills rising falling rising and always hiding the fields behind them. Until you can start to fool yourself that the fields aren't there anymore. That climbing that row of hills, to the last blades of grass, you could peer off into nothing.

This is the end of the world.

Fugue #72


Let’s talk about how that applies in the context of today’s literature.

Rhythms repeat. (And echo off our minds’ back walls.) Point, counterpoint...

We aren’t ATOMS, we’re MOLECULES. We emerge as parts of communities and networks. Webs of simultaneous narratives, the din of which, at a certain remove, becomes a pleasant hum.

Back to Frost...he insists that poetry requires complete freedom to move about in and establish relations within the material - regardless of time or space. (WE ARE EVERYWHERE.)

Seriously, here we go:

"The artist must value himself as he snatches a thing from some previous order in time and space into a new order with not so much as ligature clinging to it of the old place where it was organic."

He’s right, and he’s wrong. Right about the need for freedom to REecontextualize influences, but wrong about the need to DEcontextualize them. There is simply no way to remove all the ligatures - all the sticky details of context that necessarily affect the meaning of the material. We take the material with its context in tact, and use it for our own purposes...sometimes because of, but often despite that context.

Fugue #71


Ana at home, eating Chinese with Enbal.

"Does it ever feel colonial to you?"

She laughs and puts on the paddy hat that her father brought home for her from Thailand last year. She finishes her rice, and opens a fortune cookie.

Enbal, shaking her head:
- What’s it say?
- "There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you."
- In bed.
- What?
- Did you ever play that game? Adding "in bed" after a somebody reads their fortune?
- Ha, no. What about yours?
- So is Paul coming over tonight?
- You’re an ass. What’s your fortune say?
- "You are the center of every group’s attention."
- In bed?
- So true! (wink) Is Paul coming over tonight?
- No.
- Have you talked to him today?
- Yes.
- How many times?
- Oh my god, what’s with you tonight?

Fugue #70


- Ana?
- Paul?
- Come with me.

They leave the football field, the marching band’s echo bounding over the terraced fields all the way to the horizon. They walk across the gravel road ringing the high school and out into the fields.

- Is this where...
- Yep.
- Wow.

Ana walks between haystacks. They surround her and buoy her up, figuratively toward a blue sky full of clouds.

Dreams, now a drifting white cloud, pass behind your eyes. Ideas forming about your life, and what do you want to do? Yes and no, and maybe this is so, this is not, and I could be anything.

The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

She spins around and again. Then stops.

Paul is sitting on the ground, hands behind, legs out, knees bent. He twirls a straw back and forth in his mouth, then tosses it to the ground. His eyes fill with tears, which wait, then pour down his cheeks, as he lowers his head.

"Hey," Ana sees him, "hey..." She kneels next to him, "It’s ok."

He nods.

"We’re going to find it again. It’ll be different, and in some ways, not as good. But we’ll find it. We’re going to. This is the way."

Fugue #69


- I’ll pick you up, then?
- No, I’ll meet you there.

Marbell’s Midsummer Night’s Party. Paul’s late, sweaty, in khakis and a short sleeve white oxford. He looks around the rooftop veranda - there’s Marbell, and Zed, there’s Enbal and...whoa, Ana.

She has a surprise for Paul.
- There are some perks to modeling.
- I’ll say. That dress is....wow, you look great.
- Thanks.

She blushes, lightly checks the strap over her left shoulder and pushes the hair off her forehead, back with an open hand, and holds her wrist in front of her. She looks down, looks up. So does Paul (there’s alot to see). They look up. Their eyes meet.
- Happy Anniversary.
- What?
She’s blushes again, embarrassed.
- I’m sorry, Ana.
- That’s ok. It was a year ago, tomorrow actually, that we met.
- On the stairs?
- You were going up.
- And you were going down, on your way to that concert.
She smiles, weakly.

After the party, after Paul walked her home from the subway, she’s sad again. It’s late, and she steps out of her dress, and into a t-shirt. She goes to the bathroom to pee, to take off her makeup, and to brush her teeth. Then bed. She flicks on her bedside lamp. On her pillow, a daisy with its stem tucked under the covers, and a note:

Thank you for a great year.
Love,
P

Fugue #68


The county fair.

Gene and Emily have a fight, and neither is sure how it started, how to stop it, or what it’s even about anymore.
- Do you want to go on the ferris wheel?
- Sure. Fine. Whatever.
- Do you want to go on the Himalayan?
- Sure. Fine. Whatever.
- Do you want cotton candy?
- Sure.
- Do you want a pop?
- Fine.
- Do you want a slap across your obstinate face?
- Whatever.
- Do you want to break up? I'm serious, Gene.
- ...
- Gene? I’m serious. I can’t do this. I love you too much, I love us too much to let this happen.
- I don't care, Em. I don't care what we do. I want you to decide.
- I have. Don’t you see?! You need to decide.

It was a long summer of delight fading to wisdom. They saw each other a lot, too much probably - anxious that they would be going away to school, different schools, so soon.